


Heal

by madseba



Category: Girl Meets World
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), College AU, F/M, here ya go, in case y'all don't like that, there's some strong language, you can have ALLL of it, you want some angst?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-02
Updated: 2016-10-20
Packaged: 2018-07-28 19:22:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7653670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madseba/pseuds/madseba
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>and tell me some things last</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. six years

**Author's Note:**

> based roughly on Tom Odell's song Heal. I would recommend listening to the "dare you" playlist on Spotify. I created it specifically for torture.

Six years. Six years is a little eternity. Six years is the blink of an eye. Six years is not how long they promised to love each other. Six years is not forever.

 

"What'll it be, honey?"

"Uh," he barely managed to choke anything out, "strongest you have, no ice."

"Okay," the bartender raised her eyebrows, "I think I've got some moonshine that's pretty potent...rough day?"

"Rough year."

"Who was she?"

He scoffed.  _Everything. Nothing._ _Love of his damn life._ "She was...something."

She slid his drink across the counter and grimaced. Lucas raised the glass to his lips and allowed as much into his mouth as he could. It burned the whole way through his chest. He wanted to drink to forget tonight. He wanted to drink to forget the past six years. Riley was everything. He chose her. He  _chose_ her. He chose her, and then lost her, slowly, over five years. He can't say he didn't see tonight coming. She'd been extra involved in school lately. She hadn't been at the apartment much. She didn't kiss him hello anymore, just goodbye, and even that was fleeting as she made her way to class. They hadn't had sex in weeks. She spent two consecutive Saturday nights at Maya's, without him. He could feel it coming, like the way crisp fall air subtly creeps into August breezes.  

He polished off the last of his glass and paid his tab. He kicked in an extra five for the bartender. The cool air chapped his face in seconds. January in New York was brutal. He rounded the corner and, on a whim, entered his longtime favorite liquor store. He purchased a few bottles of whiskey, and Riley's favorite wine, just in case she came home. Even thinking about her left a bitter taste in his mouth. She was never a graceful human being, but the way she left was particularly clumsy. She left a note, and next month's rent check. She only took the personal items she needed day-to-day. He knew she was probably at Maya's, and he thought about going over there. He thought about calling her.

The keys to his apartment nearly stung him when he pulled them from his pocket.  _His apartment. His apartment._ For two years, it had been their apartment. They moved in together shortly after graduation. It was close to NYU, so Riley could walk to class. They had two bedrooms, and he lost count of how many friends stayed in the extra room. Maya, several times, when she was fighting with Josh. Maya  _and_  Josh once, when Josh's apartment was being fumigated. Zay stayed for a couple weeks when his parents were splitting up. Farkle stayed after he and Isadora called it quits a year ago.  Their apartment was always the hub. It was where everyone would go when they needed other people, when they needed Riley. Her wisdom was far beyond her years. She was a superb caretaker, just like her mother. She read people like they were books, and always seemed to know just what someone needed. Damn her. She was beautiful, she was beautiful, she was beautiful. 

By the time he thought to look at the clock, it was 2:15am, and he had downed almost an entire bottle of whiskey. Fuck. He wasn't even tired. He put the cap back on the bottle and wandered to the bathroom. He brushed his teeth and then chased four prescription sleeping pills with whiskey. Undoubtedly, a poor choice, but he knew he couldn't wake up without her tomorrow sober.

 

\---

The chill in the air almost choked her. The weight on her chest almost crushed her. She couldn't explain it, but somehow her chest was heavy and light at the same time. Like a bird first learning to fly, she knew she was free but she was still mildly afraid she would die. Her hands shook as she fumbled for her keys. They dropped to the floor. 

"Damn it," she whispered as she knelt down. 

The porch light came on and the door opened. 

"Riley?" 

"Is Maya here tonight?"

"No, she's studying at school, she has a final. Are you okay? It's like the middle of the night." Shawn wiped sleep from his eyes.

"Yeah, no, I'm great. I, uh, you know what, Uncle Shawn? Thanks. I totally forgot we were supposed to study tonight." Lie. Riley couldn't bear to tell him the truth, because Shawn, like herself, cared too much. He worked a full time job, and had to get up early, and if Riley talked to him now, they would talk all night, and she would hate herself even more.

"Riles, you have a suitcase, are you su-"

"Yep. I'm staying with a friend at school for a few days. Thanks. Sleep good, sorry for waking you." Another lie. She turned before Shawn could respond. She hailed an Uber to NYU, assuming Maya was staying with Josh. Navigating her way through campus with a suitcase was something she'd only done once before. She, Lucas, and Maya had spent a weekend here just before their freshman year to tour the campus. She swallowed hard, remembering how great that first night was. They got sucked into a frat party. Maya left with Josh after forty five minutes. She and Lucas stayed at the party and got drunk together for the first time. When they left the party drunk together, they had sex for the first time. Despite tonight's events and the end of their relationship, that night with Lucas was her favorite one ever. She remembered the way they almost didn't make it to their guest dorm. She hazily remembered leaving the party, but she definitely remembered the two-block car ride back to campus. They completely embarrassed themselves in front of the cab driver, making out in the back seat, her hands up Lucas's shirt and his on her ass. She remembered that in the elevator ride to the fourth floor Lucas whispered "fuck" exactly five times. She remembered everything: their clothes being taken off before the door was even closed, the way his hands felt exploring her body for the first time, the way it all felt. By the time she was back down to earth, she was at the steps of Josh's building, which was just behind the main campus. 

Josh answered the door, groggy and half-dressed in a pair of boxers that were on backwards. 

"Riley? You okay? Sorry I'm totally not dressed, I was-"

"It's fine, you don't have to explain, I can come to the conclusions on my own," Riley winced playfully. Josh blushed.

Maya, hearing Riley's voice, emerged from the bedroom in nothing but Josh's tee shirt. Riley didn't need to say anything. Maya looked at her best friend, the suitcase, her eyes, the smuggled bottle of wine,  _shit._

"Oh my God, Riley." Maya somehow crossed the room in two strides and before Riley could move, Maya's arms were around her.

"Are you okay? Oh, my God."

"I'm okay," Lie, "I'm seriously fine," lie again, "I'm free." 

Riley's voice broke, "I'm free."

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Feels like a long way down. So don't leave, don't leave, honey, please don't leave me now."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do we like the two POVs? Do we like just straight chapters better? Lemme know, friends!

Two sleeping pills plus three-quarters of a handle of Jack equals 21 hours of sleep. Lucas awoke at 10:30pm the next day, wondering if he was actually dead. His whole body felt heavier than normal, saturated in the remnants of alcohol and loss. He swung his legs over the edge of the bed, sighing and wiping sleep from his face. He forced himself up. He would've just gone back to sleep but he was pretty sure if he didn't get protein and carbs in his stomach, he would spend the next 21 hours on a date with the toilet. So, he cooked eggs and toast. Lucas was a pretty decent cook, which was one of the things Riley loved about him. He was unlike Cory in that way. Some nights she would come home from school, or work, or volunteering, and he would have a plate ready for her. His thoughtfulness always made her heart skip a little. 

Halfway through his breakfast/dinner/distraction, he threw up anyway. Deserved. Nobody drinks that much and gets away with it. God just doesn't love him that much. The floor and subway tile walls felt cool against his back and neck. He took a deep breath. The front door creaked open. He glanced at his phone.  _11:09pm._ He tensed slightly. 

"Riley?" She was attempting to sneak into their bedroom. She jumped and turned.

"Jesus! Lucas, what the hell are you doing?"

"I live here." 

"Not what I meant. What the hell are you doing on the bathroom floor? I mean, are you okay?"

_Hell no. What kind of question is that?_

"Uh, yeah. I guess. Something didn't agree with me. I'm fine now." He cleared his throat to keep his voice from breaking. To his surprise, and her own, she slid down next to him on the floor.

"Lucas I'm sorry. I'm sorry for hurting you, I really am," she looked down, shielding her eyes with her hair, "but I'm not sorry for leaving. I just...I need some time to figure things out on my own."

Lucas scoffed. Riley wiped at her eyes. 

_Damn it. Incapable of not caring. Impossible to not care about six years._

"You're staying with Maya?"

Riley nodded silently, chewing on the corner of her bottom lip. 

"How are her and Josh?"

"They're okay. They're good, actually. Happy." The word burned on her tongue. She was trying so hard to be happy, after all, this is what she wanted. She wanted the freedom. She wanted to spread her wings and learn what kind of bird she was without Lucas. Her hands trembled. Lucas glanced sideways at her. Hesitantly, he reached for her hands with his own. She clenched her fists inside his grip. He pulled her toward him. It hit him then: just because she left doesn't mean it wasn't killing her as much as it was killing him. She pushed away from his embrace.

"Lucas, I--" and maybe he was still drunk, maybe he had no boundaries, maybe it was stupid, but he kissed her. Firm, but shaking. She pulled her hands from his grasp and grabbed his neck. To his surprise, she was kissing him back, fast and desperate. He moved his hand to her waist and pulled her closer. They moved to kneel. Her hands were in his hair. He trailed kisses down her neck and jaw. She moaned as he nipped her favorite spot on her jaw. 

_What does this mean? What does this mean? What does this mean? It feels good. It feels so damn good._

Before he fully knew what he was doing, he was standing and she was wrapped around his waist. They were pressed against the door to their bedroom. She was crying while he was kissing her. He laid her on the bed and, before it went any further, he stopped himself. It killed him a little.

"Riles, are you sure?" He searched her face for a cue, aside from her tears. 

"Oh my god, Lucas, shut up." She sobbed, pulling him down toward her again. She tugged at the hem of his shirt.

_Is she serious? She left you. She left you 24 hours ago._

"Stop overthinking and take your shirt off." She growled. He almost moaned then. Hearing her be so demanding was new, and really, really fucking hot. She helped him out of his shirt. Neither of them could remember a time when they were this fervent, this passionate. Maybe that was the problem. They only really wanted each other when they couldn't have it. She bucked her hips against his, and his doubt cleared. This was breakup sex. 

Riley awoke to thirteen texts from Maya, two from Josh, and one from Farkle. The ones from Maya were concerned and annoyed. 

"Where are you?"

"I'm getting worried, Riles. It's been two hours."

"God, I hope you're okay."

The guilt set in. Lucas slept peacefully beside her. Josh only sent her two texts, the first was concerned, probably because Maya was concerned. The second asked if they had slept together. He was joking, and she knew it, but, oh hell, did they. 

_Why? Why? Why? Bad choice. Bad choice. Really fucking stupid choice._

Finally, she opened the text from Farkle. It was random. They hardly talked because he didn't go to school in the city. Sure, he was one of her best friends, and she missed him so much, but they hadn't talked since he left after winter break.

"Hey, Ri. Maya called me all stressed. She told me everything. Don't do anything stupid. I'm coming home."

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Funny, it takes no time to fall back down. Funny it takes so long to get back up."

Riley called Josh to pick her up at 8am. Lucas was still sound asleep. She hoped she could grab clothes and sneak out without waking him. She didn't feel like talking, especially not to Lucas. Shame poisoned the ecstasy lingering from last night. Riley's heart felt like it was trying to claw its way through her sternum, and she struggled to swallow.

 _Guilt because she broke up with Lucas, guilt because she slept with him, guilt because it felt so undeniably_   _good._

She found peace in the fact that dealing with Josh before Maya was definitely a wise decision, even if it is the only one she made today. Her phone buzzed and she hurried to collect it from the nightstand. Waking Lucas was the absolute last thing she wanted, she thought. 

_Who calls someone at 8am?_

Farkle.  _Damn._ He was probably on his train, and had time to talk. She debated ignoring it. Something in her couldn't, though, whether it was his goofy contact picture that he had set himself or the fact that she longed for some advice that wasn't tinted with disappointment.

"Hello?" Riley perched on the sofa, still talking low as to not wake Lucas.

"She lives! I told Maya you were fine. Although, she is a little hurt that you called Josh over her." Farkle's wit never faltered. He had a way of Chandler Bing-ing a situation and lightening even the heaviest of rooms. Usually, Riley appreciated it, but right now, it stung.

"Yeah, well, I'm guilty enough without Maya lecturing me. Not yet." Riley loved her best friend dearly, but Maya had a way of rubbing salt in the wound. She knew this was because Maya looks up to her and just wants her to succeed, but it didn't hurt any less seasoned with admiration. 

"Are you okay?"

_Yes. No. Yes. No._

"I don't know."

"Riley, what happened?" His tone was softer now. 

_Silence. Don't answer. Lie to him. Tell him everything._

"I'm so stupid. I'm so stupid. I'm so--"

"You are one of the most intelligent people I have ever met. Stop beating yourself up, and tell me what happened." Farkle had never interrupted her like that before. He was so polite, always. He listened intently to whomever was speaking, and always had an enlightened reply. 

"I don't even know. I don't even fucking know how it happened I just...I don't know."

"Did you sleep with him?"

"Yes," Riley answered, barely above a whisper. Farkle was never known for being this silent when it was his turn to speak. Sure, he was a deep thinker, but she couldn't even hear him breathing on the other side of the phone.

"Did you want to sleep with him?" 

"I didn't try to stop it."

It was almost as if she could hear his gears turning through the phone.

"Do you think you will be hungry in like an hour? I'm about 45 minutes out, and it's a fifteen minute Uber to Maya's from Grand Central." 

She almost wanted to laugh at how matter-of-fact he was. Of course he knew his exact arrival time, and the amount of time it took to get from Grand Central to Maya's apartment. She always admired how smart Farkle was, and how confident he seemed in it. 

"I could be hungry if you want me to be. I'll definitely want to get out of the house," she mumbled the last part. Her phone beeped. Josh was here. 

"Hey, Farkle, I gotta go. Josh is here. I'm sorry." She didn't even fully know why she was apologizing. 

"I'll see you in an hour. Give me an additional seven minutes if traffic is bad."

This time, she did laugh. 

"Looking forward to it."

She hung up, and took a few deep breaths before leaving to face Josh.

When she exited their apartment building, the chilly air nearly shaking her to her core, Josh was standing outside his car.

"You didn't have to get out, Josh." She said, face smushed by his chest. He was hugging her so hard she could hardly breathe.

"What the hell did you do?" He asked.

"Lucas, mostly." She wasn't sure where the sudden sarcasm was stemming from, but she was thankful for it. She would take whatever distraction she could get.

Josh smirked, "Maya is going to kill you, but if you cry, she might kill you less brutally, so lose the sarcasm."

"Oh, but the sarcasm is to keep from crying!" She whined jokingly.

"Are you okay?" She was so sick of people asking her that. She wasn't. She ended the only relationship she'd ever had, and in doing so, broke Lucas's heart twice in 24 hours. And she felt horrible about it.

"I will be," she assured him, checking the time. 

Josh agreed to blast only happy pop music on the way home, but Riley somehow managed to cry anyway. She figured it was better practice for the shitshow that would ensue when she talked to Maya. 

They pulled over in front of the apartment.

"Aren't you coming with me?" Riley asked, noticing Josh wasn't parked.

"Riles, you gotta do this one on your own."

 _Damn it._ She knew he was right, but still hated him a little bit for it. The two-flight ascent to Maya's apartment had never felt as awful. Riley's whole body ached, from loneliness, from shame, from heartache. Riley hesitated. Two deep breaths and she was in the door. She was no sooner over the threshold and Maya was already talking. Maya talked and paced and talked and paced for fifteen minutes before she even let Riley speak.

"I mean what the  _fuck_ were you thinking, Riley? I thought you felt trapped. I thought you were just going to get clothes. And when you didn't come home, I was so worried something had happened to you," Maya's voice wavered,  "Oh, Jesus, are you okay?"

"I will be," she wasn't sure if she was more convincing Maya or herself, "I did feel trapped--do. I do feel trapped. But I got there to get my books and clothes, and he was on the bathroom floor. He looked like hell, Maya. I felt horrible, and I was vulnerable, and _damn it._ " Riley unraveled, explaining everything to Maya between quick sobs. Josh was right, crying worked. 

After forty-five minutes, Riley was breathing normally and hoarse-voiced. The door creaked open. Riley had nearly forgotten about her breakfast date with Farkle. She had never been so grateful to see him. He dropped his weekend bag on the ground as he hugged her with his free arm. And for that second, she forgot about everything. She forgot about the guilt of breaking up with Lucas, the guilt of sleeping with him, the guilt of it feeling good. For that second, life was normal. For that second, Riley was happy.  

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously, thank you ALL for the wonderful feedback and kudos! You're all so undeservedly kind to me.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Hold on to me, 'cause I'm a little unsteady."

Guilt birthed a shit storm that gave his worst hangover a run for its money. He wondered how it was possible for an empty chest to produce a heartbeat. He debated going back to sleep. His anthropology lecture started in thirty minutes. Vaguely, he could still hear Riley's voice bribing him out of bed with pancakes and orange juice.

 _How many feelings can course through human veins at a given moment?_ Grief, anger, confusion, guilt, and emptiness all fought for first place. Which would flow through his body first? It seemed as through every heartbeat brought a new wave of emotion. As he climbed in the shower, Lucas thought of Riley. He thought of her hair, her eyes, the way she giggled when someone complimented her. Maybe it was masochistic, but thinking of her almost made him feel better. Almost. 

He ignored two phone calls from Zay, provoking him to just come over instead. When the front door opened, Lucas was sitting on the couch. Sportscenter played in the background, but he wasn't watching. He was chewing the skin on his finger and staring at the wall. He couldn't bring himself to move. Seeing his best friend so stoic sent a shiver down Zay's spine. He shut the door behind him and sat next to Lucas. 

"Maya called. I know you're not okay, so I won't bother asking."

It was as if every thought spinning through Lucas's head finally tilted off their axis. The emptiness in his chest filled with grief and caught in his throat. He hardly managed to choke out a sob. He couldn't tell if it was cathartic or an augmentation of his sadness, but for now, at least, he felt good.

\-----

She loved the way diners smelled like nostalgia and maple syrup.

"I'll just have the two pancakes please," Riley smiled politely at the waitress.

"She likes whipped cream on them, if you have it."

The idea that Farkle remembered her breakfast order made her smile a little more genuinely. Sure, they had been friends for a long time and had shared innumerable breakfasts together, but something about the way he knew and remembered so many little details was endearing. She found lots of things about Farkle endearing, if she was being honest. Her lightheartedness was short lived. 

"So, what classes are you missing today?" Farkle asked, absentmindedly pouring too much sugar in his coffee. His question surprised Riley. She didn't expect to talk about anything but Lucas.

"What is today? Thursday? Lit and Women's Studies," she swirled her straw around in her orange juice.

"Mmm. I loved Women's Studies. Which textbook does your professor use?"

"Why are you asking me this?" She looked up at him, confused.

"What do you mean? I missed you, and I'm just trying to catch up on your li--"

"Thanks, Farkle, but don't you want to talk about me and Lucas? Isn't that why you came home?"

He chuckled, shaking his head. She was beautifully naive. 

"Ri, I couldn't care any less why you left Lucas. If you weren't happy, then you did the right thing. You took care of yourself. That's all I've ever wanted for you. I came home for you, Riley." 

She blushed, clearly embarrassed for asking in the first place. He was embarrassed too. Sometimes he talked too much. He, of course, knew her well enough to know that she didn't really want to talk about her and Lucas but was only doing so to avoid being rude. She, however, didn't know him well enough to know that he would always come home for her. 

"Thank you, Farkle, but you didn't have to miss a day of classes just for me."

"I'm not missing a day of classes. I took the week off. Don't protest, I already emailed my professors. No amount of doe-eyed begging is changing my mind."

Riley's eyes widened, "you what? Farkle, you shouldn't have done that!" 

He reached across the table to calm her flailing hands. Riley's dynamics increased when she was upset.

"It's done. It's fine."

Farkle was interrupted by the waitress placing their food on the table. He had mostly protein, Riley noticed. Now that she looked at him, he had bulked up a bit. Still lanky when compared to almost anyone else, but his muscle definition had definitely increased. 

"...and extra whipped cream for the lady." 

The waitress winked, and Riley managed her first real smile. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's short, I know, I'm sorry. I know where I wanna go with it I'm just having trouble getting there. Thus, filler chapters! Yay! (Not)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "her fight and fury is fiery,  
> oh, but, she loves like sleep to the freezing;  
> sweet, and right, and merciful, I'm all but washed in the tide of her breathing"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M THE WORST. It's been forever, I know. I have a million excuses, but I'll spare you. 
> 
> Anyway, ***the second POV in this chapter will be Farkle, and not Lucas.***

One of Riley's favorite things about Farkle was always how he could carry on a conversation for hours, switching from topic to topic without ever losing interest. Contrarily, he was also an eager listener. He never wanted to discuss his own problems, but would willingly dissect another's, always handling things with an awkward grace that only he was capable of. Somehow, listening to Farkle prattle on about particle physics was like medicine to her, healing her by distraction and ignorance. She and Lucas never quite had that connection. She managed to lose herself in how passionately he talked about anything from a dog he saw to NASA. 

"Ri, you good? You haven't looked at me in ten minutes."

She blushed. She had gotten so caught up in listening to him that she was ignoring him. She was thinking about yesterday, and last night, and all the events that led up to her sleeping with Lucas. They were, of course, similar events that had always led her to sleep with Lucas: his eyes, his hands, his lips. His lips. His lips.  Farkle brushed her cheek with his thumb. She was crying. She hadn't realized it, but she had thought herself into a hole. A hole that snuck in through her brain and followed her bloodstream, eventually landing in her chest. A Lucas-sized hole.

"I ruined everything." She gasped. She almost wished this tightness in her chest was a heart attack if just for some access to hospital-grade painkillers. Farkle moved to her side of the booth. He pulled her to his chest, kissing her temple.

"Riley, you didn't."

She pushed him away, now more angry than upset. 

 _"_ Of course I did! What do you mean I didn't? I destroyed the only relationship I've ever had, and probably  _will_ ever have--"

"Sometimes destruction builds, Riley. Sometimes tragic disaster creates something even more inexplicably beautiful. Did you ever think that? That yes, this is destruction. This is flames and wind and fury. But what comes next? Disasters certainly can't last forever. Look, I know you. I've known you always. I know that whatever this destruction is, you will build something awe-inspiring with the ruins."

She wasn't exactly sure how he did it. He could calm her wild mind with a handful of words. The words weren't often anything scholarly, but she couldn't get enough of them. She would replay them again and again until they were all she thought about. Lucas often felt threatened by Farkle's logic, reason, and his ability to soothe Riley without touching her. 

"And that," Farkle lifted her chin so he could stare her in the face, "is so far from the truth. Riley, you are impossible to ignore. Someone will love you again. And again. And again. Until you find the one that will never tire of finding new ways to love you. Promise."

The waves beating against her rib cage slowed. Her cyclone mind dissipated to a breeze. 

_Inhale. Exhale. Damn._

 

\-----

His heart always caught in his throat when she talked about herself that way. Riley wore a shroud of positivity that cleverly concealed her self-consciousness. She spent so much time building others up that she forgot to love herself, and it killed him. He watched her spend her entire young life making sure Maya loved herself for whoever she was that year, watched her spend so much time loving Lucas, watched her invest in the lives of perfect strangers. He never really saw her love herself. Truthfully, he was thankful she left Lucas. He wasn't sure why. 

As they left the diner, she was silent. 

"Where are you staying?" 

"What?"

"Staying. Where are you staying? Lucas is still in the apartment, I presume?"

"Yeah. For now, with Maya and Josh. I don't have anywhere else to go except home, and considering Cory might try to kill Lucas..."

"Why don't you stay at my place?"

It probably seemed ridiculous to her, and he felt sheepish as soon as he said it. She stopped walking and turned to face him. 

"What? Your place?"

"I have an apartment in the city. It's not exactly downtown, but you could stay there. It's nice. Small." He realized he was babbling. He didn't often aimlessly babble.

"Farkle, you don't have to do that, I can stay with Maya and Josh as long as I need to."

"I want you to-- I mean, I want to. Please. I owe it to you. I insist."

He had stayed in she and Lucas's guest room when Isadora broke up with him last year. It was the least he could do. 

She was still eerily quiet in the cab. He could see her wheels turning, he could feel them from across the seat. They were so similar sometimes. They both thought either too much or not enough. As they approached his apartment, his hands grew clammy. He wasn't sure why. They shook as he turned the key to the front door. She perked up at the idea of exploring something. She opened the curtains and admired the view. He watched her flit from discovery to discovery. It was like Christmas morning. She opened the fridge.

"Mmm. Nothing and organic cashew butter. My favorite." she joked.

"There's a grocery store on the corner," he smiled. Hearing her joke eased him. 

He led her down the hall like a tour guide, "this is the bathroom over here on the right. Big shower, and a tub, too, if you're into that. The closet space isn't anything spectacular, but it works for me."

The closet door stuck when it was cold, so he had to pull extra hard to open it. His apartment was a far cry from his parents' place. The Minkus homestead was too exaggerated for his taste. He never felt he fit in with his family. Not that being rich was an inconvenience, because it wasn't, but he didn't need the luxury. He much preferred the charm of his own place. She agreed.

"And this is the bedroom," he pushed the door open, showcasing a few crumpled pieces of clothing and an unmade bed, "the bed's pretty comfy, nothing special."

"I don't know, Farkle," she turned to face him again, "I don't think I can let you pay for an apartment for me."

"I'm really not using it right now, Ri."

"And what happens if you need to come home before I find a place?" She crossed her arms over her chest.

"I won't. You'll find a place before you know it. I can have my dad put out some feelers."

"Why are you doing this for me?" 

He wasn't willing to admit why. He would patiently wait until she was ready to hear why. But she wasn't. Not yet. 

"Because I can," he smiled and pulled her into half a hug.

"You're home for another week. Where are you going to sleep?"

"The couch."

"Well you just have this all figured out, don't you?" She smirked.

He'd been thinking about a scenario like this for years. Her. Here. With him. 

_God, she's beautiful._

"Don't I always?"

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You are all four seasons rolled into one,   
> you're like the cold December snow in the warm July sun.  
> I'm the darkest hour just before the dawn.  
> Oh, my love, you don't know what you do to me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen, I'm horrible at updating. I know and I'm sorry. BUT ANYWAY, here ya go. Shit gets real here within the next chapter or two. Buckle up, kids.  
>  *Second POV is still Farkle as of now, and it switches between the two of them*

Sleep and peace don't come easily to the conflicted. Riley tossed and turned like an ocean in a hurricane the first night in Farkle's apartment. She couldn't decide if it was new environment acclamation or old habits dying hard, but she hadn't slept alone in three years and her loneliness clawed at her chest walls. Giving in to her sleeplessness, she propped herself up on one elbow and switched the bedside lamp on. Warm light distracted her as she took in every detail of Farkle's bedroom. It was so different from his childhood home. Much more cramped, messier, warmer in some way.

A college sweatshirt was draped over the back of his desk chair, and a pair of socks strewn about in two separate places on the rug. None of the furniture matched, and there was minimal technology. The window didn't properly close and lock, so there was a constant draft. She wrapped her arms around herself. Her old tee shirt struggled to keep her warm. She heard the slight echoes of a dog barking outside and Fallon from the TV in the living room. She debated joining Farkle. Instead, she climbed out of bed, pulled on his sweatshirt and opened the roll-top desk. Such a vintage item was so fitting for Farkle, ever a lover of old things. History practically made his heart leap as it always had. On the desk sat an old typewriter and several cameras. She smiled in admiration and familiarity. The room felt like Farkle. It smelled like him, looked like him, was decorated like him.

The room seemed more comfortable in the light. She could hear the TV power down and the apartment grew silent. The soft buzzing of the lamp was the only sound. She crawled back into bed, curling under the warm blankets and let the silence and buzzing lull her to sleep. 

\----

Farkle was always an early riser. He hypothesized that going to sleep late and waking up before 8am developed a healthier circadian rhythm, and he was determined to prove it. Knowing he probably had a good while before Riley awoke for her first class, he made breakfast. Farkle was many things, but a good cook wasn't necessarily one of them. He scrambled eggs, made toast, and after two failed attempts, gave up on french toast. There wasn't much food in the apartment, there never was. He managed to scrape together enough ripe fruits and vegetables to make smoothies. 

"Morning," Riley's voice made the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end. Somewhere in all the concentration and his own thoughts, he had forgotten he had company. Her company. He turned to her, smoothies in hand.

"Good morning," he replied, and his voice caught in his throat. She was in his ratty old Harvard sweatshirt from senior year and her own NYU sweats and, somehow, she was more beautiful than he'd ever seen her. The sunlight peaked and shone through her messy hair, creating a glistening aura.

"You made me breakfast?" She sat excitedly at the table, helping herself to a slice of toast. He cleared his throat before answering.

"I tried to make french toast but I couldn't get it right," he sat beside her.

"So, Maya thinks we need to go to the club tonight to get my mind off things." She proposed, mouth half full of eggs and toast.

"Yeah? Do you want to go?"

"Do you think it's a good idea? I mean, I don't know if getting drunk in a club full of NYU frat boys is my best idea. Plus, it's a Thursday." 

He could tell she was trying to coax herself into thinking it was a bad idea.

"I think it could be good for you, Ri. Besides, you don't have classes on Fridays."

She sighed and pushed a clump of eggs around her plate. Something was bugging her.

"What is it?"  He dipped his head to get her attention and make eye contact.

"Nothing. Just a little distracted. Promise."

He believed her. Ending a six-year relationship couldn't be easy for her. It wasn't easy. He knew that from personal experience. 

"Blow off your afternoon class today," his words surprised even him. School was something both of them took very seriously.

"What?" She could've sworn he was sick or something with how casually he suggested it.

"Blow off class. We can pregame a little before the club tonight. Just you and me," he smirked, talking her into the idea.

"Farkle, that's cra--"

"I know it is. But seriously, skip your afternoon classes and we can go to the Dublin and get a little buzzed before tonight. What do you say?"

She chewed her bottom lip for a second, partially because she really shouldn't skip another class and partially because she really wanted to. 

"Okay. It's a date."

His laugh was saturated in a little bit of disbelief hearing those words coming out of her mouth. He knew they had a completely platonic meaning, but seven-year-old Farkle was doing backflips. She finished her breakfast and washed her dishes. 

"Farkle?" 

"Yeah, Ri?"

"Thank you."

"Absolutely."

\----

She needed to go to Maya's and pick up a dress. She didn't have anything with her that she could wear to a club. She was mildly panicked the whole way through her first and second classes of the day. In a brief second she had before her next lecture, she called Maya.

"Sooooo? Are we on for tonight?" Maya's voice crooned.

"We are, but Maya, listen. I need to swing by the apartment and get a dress because I don't have anything I can wear to the club," Riley tried to multitask, scribbling in her planner and hailing a cab, cradling the phone between her chin and shoulder.

"Yeeeeeeessss!" Riley could hear Maya high-five Josh. 

"So can I borrow something?"

"What's mine is yours, honey." 

"I love you. See you in five."

The short cab ride to Josh's apartment was occupied by thinking. Mentally scrolling through all of Maya's dresses, she tossed an extra five to the cab driver, thanking him. 

She hurried up the front steps and turned the key in the door and Maya immediately started talking. 

"So, I have some really pretty, simple dresses that you could totally look amazing in, and then I have some, like, nicer ones that I bought for dates with Josh, they  _really_ hug all the right places, if ya know what I mean." Maya wiggled her eyebrows. It made Riley happy to see her best friend so excited. Maya was always much more into the partying scene than Riley was, mostly because Riley and Lucas never wanted to go out. Lucas was always afraid of taking her places all dressed because he didn't like other men looking at her. Just thinking about his possessiveness that she used to find endearing made her stomach turn. She was suddenly thankful for being able to drink in two hours.

"Um, let me just see all of them, and I'll try on the ones I like best."

"You choose two, I'll choose two?" Maya bargained. When they were younger, they developed a system of trying clothes on. One would pick a certain number of things for the other to try on alongside the same number of their own choices. This ensured that they were always getting two opinions on whatever they were wearing, and it hadn't failed them yet. 

Riley chose a loose, peasant-style dress that hit mid-thigh and a maroon dress with a tight bodice and loose bottom. Maya chose one simple but sultry sapphire dress that was always a hit with Josh, and a lacy red dress that she'd bought for Christmas a few years ago. The two Riley chose were nice, and had a lot of adorable charm. The blue dress reminded Riley too much of Maya, and, though she loved her best friend, she didn't want to  _be_ her tonight. She needed Maya's help to finish zipping up the red dress. 

"Holy shit, Riles." Maya said, pulling Riley's ponytail in front of her shoulder. The dress was a classic, vintage-looking red dress with a plunging neckline and cap sleeves. It didn't look ideal for a club, but for right now, it was perfect. She played with the hem and her hair.

"Stop messing with it. You look perfect."

Riley's phone buzzed and she checked the time. 4:24pm.  _Shit._ She was supposed to be at the bar with Farkle by five and she didn't even have makeup on yet. She texted Farkle and asked if they could meet at Maya's instead, and he happily agreed to pick her up at 5. 

"Peaches, can I borrow some makeup too?"

"I mean, of course, but you do have time to go home and change and everything, club doesn't open 'til nine."

She had forgotten to tell Maya about her date-not-date with Farkle.

"I know, but I'm pregaming with Farkle at the Dublin at five and I'm nowhere close to ready."

"Pregaming with Farkle?" Maya raised an eyebrow. Riley blushed. It was unintentional, and she hoped Maya hadn't noticed.

"It's nothing. We are  _just_ friends, Maya."

"You're sleeping in his bed, Riles. You showed up here in his sweatshirt. You're going for drinks. Are you sure?"

"Yes! He's been so nice about the whole thing and I didn't want to say no. That's it." Most of that was a lie, and she knew it.

"Does he know that?"

"Don't be stupid, Maya. Farkle has no interest in me romantically. He's just being a good friend. He's being Farkle," part of her ached a bit to say it. Much to Riley's gratitude, Maya dropped the subject and moved on to Riley's hair.

At promptly 5, the doorbell rang. 

 _Damn his punctuality._  

Riley still didn't have any jewelry or mascara on. She rushed her mascara and managed to not smudge it too horribly. Josh called for her from the living room.

"Not ready!" She scrambled to perfect herself, preening more than she would have to for a bar with a friend. As she struggled to find something to complete her look, she heard the door open. Farkle leaned on the door frame.

She didn't know why, but her stomach was in knots. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Sometimes I wonder how you stay so sad when you're so beautiful."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only third person narrative, no POV switch. Fits better with the chapter. You'll see.

"Hi."

"Hi," he smirked. She noticed he was in an old purposely-ratty band t-shirt and jeans.  _Damn._  

"I'm too overdressed..." she bit her lip and fiddled with the hem of the dress. It took him a moment  to say anything. His silence caused the knot to tighten around her windpipe. She was right. She overdressed and he thinks she's tacky now. Not that it matters. They're just friends. They've always just been friends.

"Please, if anything, I'm underdressed.  _You_ look beautiful."

She blushed. She tried to swallow. The knot that had made its home in her stomach was evicted by butterflies. She felt like she was cheating. 

_On who?_

She finally managed a deep breath, "you ready?"

"Duh!" He exclaimed, his silliness warmed her fingertips and flushed her cheeks. They made their way through the living room, and Farkle stopped to catch Josh up on life. She had looked at him a thousand times in her life, but never really  _noticed._ She hadn't noticed how grown up he'd become. He'd grown into his gangling limbs. His cheekbones that had once made his face seem so small and shy helped to frame a strong face. His smile illuminated his face when he talked. Her phone buzzed. 

_Lucas: Can we talk? I know you're mad at me. I just want to hear your voice. I'm outside Josh's apartment._

"Shit."

The polite chatter faded away.

"What's wrong?" Maya and Farkle asked in unison.

"Lucas is here?"

"He's here!? Why the hell is he  _here?_ " Maya grabbed Riley's phone to read the text herself.

"Riley, you don't have to talk to him. You don't owe him anything." Farkle reminded her, brushing her arm slightly. A shiver went up her spine.

 _Why would he choose_ today _to show up? Of all days. Today. Right now._

"I know," she chewed her lip for a second. The doorbell rang.

_Damn it._

"Let him in."

"Riles, are you sure? It hasn't even been a week, I mean--"

"I said let him in, Maya."

Josh hesitantly opened the door.

"Oh...good," Lucas started sarcastically, "everyone's home." 

"What are you doing here, Lucas?" Maya, ever the protector, guarded Riley with her body. Farkle stood stoic next to her, their hands barely separated by any space at all. 

"Are you drunk?" Josh placed his hand firmly on Lucas's chest.

"No. I only had one beer. Zay was with me. Chill." His words slurred. He was lying.

"Let us have the room, please?" Riley crossed her arms over her chest, somehow trying to hide her dress. Once everyone had left, Lucas plopped down on the couch.

"What are you doing here, Lucas?" He looked horrible. His eyes were glassy and ringed in red. She couldn't tell if he'd been drinking or crying. 

"I don't know." 

"Like hell you don't."

"I wanted to see you."

"I broke up with you."

"I know that."

"Then why are you here?"

"I don't know."

She tried so hard to keep from yelling, or crying. She was so angry with him for showing up. She was angry that she wasted six years of her life, she was angry that he was here, and she was angry that he wasn't angry. He met her eyes. 

"Riley, I don't know what I'm doing without you. I know that sounds so Nicholas Sparks-y, but I need you. Fuck, I need you. I've been so  _lost_ the past few days and I--"

"Shut up. Shut up, Lucas. You don't get to decide  _now_ that you need me. I gave you  _six years_ to need me. And you  _always_ held me back because you needed something. It was never me. If it was me you needed, you wouldn't be drunk right now. If it was me you needed, you would've gone away for college like you wanted to. But it  _wasn't_ me. It was security. It was a girlfriend. Not me specifically. You needed love. No matter who it was from. You  _used_ me."

He sat, dumbfounded, staring at her. Riley herself could hardly believe she said it. She wasn't much for glamorous speeches, especially not hateful ones.

"Why are you all dressed up?" He clenched his jaw and she could tell he was fighting tears.

"I'm going out."

"Why is Farkle here?"

She debated her answer scrupulously. Sticking with the mood, and hoping a bit to kick him while he was down, she answered, "he's going out with me."

His expression changed from sadness to anger ever so subtly, but she knew him. She saw right through him. He stood, so he could be at eye level with her.

"How long did you know? How long were you waiting? I used you? How long were  _you_ using  _me_ as a pawn and a guise for your real feelings? God damn it, Riley, I used  _you?_ You didn't even wait a full 48 hours! You went and chased him down like some kind of pathetic schoolgirl playground crush. How fucking long have you been using  _me_ to distract yourself from  _him_?" His yelling felt loud enough to crumble the walls.

"Get out."

"Seriously? You're not even gonna contest it? Just admit it, you used me."

"It's just like you to turn this around on me. I don't have any feelings for Farkle. Get out." She wasn't sure her tone was convincing enough for either of them. 

"You're a bitch."

"Yeah, sober up and tell it to me later. I didn't come groveling. That was you. I didn't assume you were mentally cheating on me with one of our friends our whole relationship. That was you. I didn't show up to your apartment, drunk and disgusting and pleading for you to love me through angry rants and slurred words. That was you. Who's the bitch again?"

Her stare could cut glass. He knew better. She called to him on his way out, "oh, and it's the 21st century. Get a new goddamn insult that's not so misogynistic." 

She slammed the door after him. Josh was the first one back in the room.

"Riley. That was amazing. You're amazing!" he threatened jokingly to hoist her on his shoulder like she'd just scored the game-winning touchdown.

"That's my girl," Maya squeezed her as she tried to stifle tears. Riley was never good at being angry and scary. Yelling always rubbed her throat and made her want to cry. Farkle was too silent.

"Let's go get you some alcohol, you deserve it," he said after a brief period of more congratulations and chatter. 

\----

It was a twelve minute walk to the Dublin from the apartment. For five and a half of them, nobody said anything. Riley was lost in thought, worrying about Lucas and their last conversation. Part of her-a large part- hoped he got home safely. 

"That was quite the argument," Farkle finally said. The air stung Riley's throat and eyes.

"I'm sorry you had to hear that, Farkle, you know he loves you. He's just a drunk," she rolled her eyes and glanced sideways at him. He scoffed. She wondered what changed his mood so drastically. 

When they finally reached the bar, it was almost 6:30 and Riley couldn't even think of any alcohol she liked. Her mind was trying too hard to do damage control.

"She'll have a rum and coke. I'll have a Manhattan," Farkle ordered for both of them and she was thankful. The bartender nodded. 

They sipped on their drinks silently. This was much more painfully awkward than she had pictured it. The knot in her stomach resurfaced, tighter than ever. They ordered another. And another. And another. Both feeling looser than before, they prepared to go to the club. A song came on the bar's jukebox that they both remembered from high school. It was soft, and sweet and felt nostalgic.

"Dance with me." Farkle looked at her lazily.

"What?" she mumbled.

"Dance. With me."

"Farkle, we have to leave for-"

"I know."

She took his outstretched hand and followed him to the space between to high-top tables. 

"You know there isn't a dance floor?"

"Yep."

"And that there  _is_ one where we're supposed to be right now?"

"Yep."

"Then what are we doing?"

"Did anything Lucas said carry any weight?"

The question fell on her chest as if the elephant in the room was trying to crush her. 

"No," this wasn't a total lie. She didn't have feelings for Farkle while she was with Lucas. Not that she was aware of anyway. 

He nodded and she couldn't read his face. Something between dejection and relief twisted his face.

"Farkle?"

"Mmm?"

"What Lucas said wasn't true. I am a loyal person, you know that. I'm Riley. Disloyalty has always been the bane of Rileytown's very existence. I never had any feelings for anybody but Lucas when I was with Lucas."

He half-smiled at the reference, "true."

"But I'm not with Lucas anymore."

 


End file.
